Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
