We won't sleep together?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
