I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
