They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
