Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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