You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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