Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
