I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
