At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
