I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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