I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
