we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
