He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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