The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
