when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
