I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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