i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
