All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So squirting runs in the family.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
