my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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