Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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