I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Success! We fucked roommates!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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