dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
How's work?
Spinning.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
