On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize