I just threw up on my dentist
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
40s are totally the cure
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
