Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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