I'm lost and stupid without you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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