heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
