who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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