Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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