If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
