How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
