She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
