My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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