You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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