I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
