I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
