Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
