She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
