Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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