someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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