my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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