My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
