he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
