Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
