Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
