He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
