I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
