She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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