I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
