Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
