my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
