his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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