She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize