My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
