anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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