he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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