I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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