atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
