you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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